Shota in Wonderland
by Glenshadow9
Summary: (Short random story. Rated T for language, mostly Len's) One fine Sunday afternoon, the net-world's favourite magical kitty does the unthinkable: He falls down a hole and ends up in Wonderland. (I mean literally.) In Wonderland for some strange reason, it's down-pouring and he gets drenched in… what the hell, strawberry juice. Guess what comes next? Let's find out…
1. Five-Hit

**Meowww. :3 Just a random story.**

 **A/N: Yes thank you, I know what Ciel in Wonderland is. Don't call me a copycat – there're multiple adaptations of this. And as far as I know no Sebastian-of-the-Fluffy-Bunny-Ears is scheduled to come barging in (yet) so I think I'm qualified to publish this.**

 **One more thing – no Eiffel Towers, either.**

* * *

 **1\. Five-Hit**

Magical Kitty Nuko Len-Len (who will henceforth be abbreviated to a simple Len) was walking down the sidewalk one fine sunny afternoon, feeling rather melancholy, when he noticed a little blue-haired boy with a giant strawberry ice cream.

'Haha…' he thought glumly, 'He looks like Kaito.'

But then he blushed and kept walking. It was a hot midsummer day; the surface of the pavement was swimming in a heat haze. He wiped the sweat off his forehead with a sigh.

Suddenly, something fell from above and hit him on the head.

It was quite small – though not so small as an acorn – and wasn't exactly _hard_. It was… well, squashy.

Len looked up in annoyance, feeling his head. His fingers came off sticky and red.

'Huh…?'

He looked down towards his feet and saw a small squashed strawberry.

'The fuck?' Len scowled. 'A strawberry in _midsummer_? Are you kidding me?' He usually loved strawberries, but he wasn't in a good mood today. Not after they all put him in that loathsome shota costume and made fun of him in the studio… Even Kaito. He irritably looked around to see who'd thrown it at him – to find no one around. He seemed to have suddenly come to a corner of the park, round the bend in the sidewalk, that was completely deserted.

Strange. The main street had been crowded with people.

 _Bonk._ Another strawberry fell on his head.

Len swore. He looked wildly this way and that to locate his invisible attacker – but still, no one.

He peered up warily at the branches above his head.

'Don't tell me strawberries grow on trees now or something…'

 _Splat_.

A strawberry fell on his face.

He almost lost his temper, but he breathed deeply and told himself it wasn't worth losing his temper over a tree. Wiping strawberry juice off his face (licking some off his lips and fingers), he decided to simply move out from under the tree as fast as possible and continue on his way. He was tired and wanted to go home.

But the tree had other plans.

 _Blop_ – another one fell on his shoulder.

 _Shwuck_. Another one right in front of him, barely missing his nose.

'Argh!' He stomped his foot down on the pavement. 'That's enough you stupid tree – this is _not_ the day, I tell you!' He stormed to the open gates of the park, with the intention of determining how on earth a tree was growing strawberries, or if it came to it, simply giving it a good kick.

However when he got there, he found the hindquarters of something white and fluffy wriggling at its base, stuck in a hole in the roots.

Len stared. 'Is that…?'

A rabbit. As he drew closer, its visible hindquarters stopped wriggling and grew still.

He raised an eyebrow. 'Don't tell me you're _stuck_.'

Its hind leg gave a doleful thump.

'Hah… Fancy that. A white rabbit stuck in a hole,' Len muttered to himself incredulously. 'At least it's a tree.'

It thumped irritably.

'Sorry, sorry – but I thought rabbits are supposed live in this kind of burrows… You mean to say you're stuck in your own front door?'

It kicked angrily.

'It's not my fault! It's because you're too fat.' Len crouched down. 'One second… I'll get you outta there.'

He pulled it free.

And then he stared.

The top half of the rabbit had itself squeezed into a tiny blue waistcoat, nearly bursting at the seams. The buttons looked as if they were going to fly at any moment. The rabbit stood up on its two hind legs, dusted itself gave him a neat bow. 'Thank you for saving my life, Princess.'

Len jumped back with a startled cry. 'Did you just…!?'

'However I am in a hurry, and I must go…' It began to hop away.

' _Did you just call me a fucking princess!?_ '' Len screeched.

The rabbit ignored him.

His face turned red. 'I am _not a girl_ you– you fat mince pie – how dare you – come back here– !'

He suddenly felt the absence of the ground under the foot he had just placed forward.

' _What the_ –!?'

And to his horror, his leg plunged straight into the hole, all the way down, and he felt himself being swallowed up by the ground as the serene sight of the duck pond zoomed away past his head.

'Aaaagh!'

Down, down, the rolling shota tumbled, bumping into stones and tree roots jutting out into the soil tunnel. (At least, he collected nothing on the way.) What sort of monster earthworm had dug this thing, anyway?

One more time, one more time… he felt himself going round and round, dizzily, heels over head, nose to toes.

At long last he tumbled out into open air, and finally came to a stop as he collided with the roots of an enormous tree, mussy-haired and dazed.

He rubbed the sore bump on his head. 'Ow…'

He stared dazedly up at the huge mossy branches above him, wondering where on earth he had ended up.

Hilarious indeed. It was impossible to describe the irony of himself falling _into_ a giant hole… (which, he would explain later if he didn't forget.)

His eyes grew wide with terror as the sky visible between the branches turned scarlet.

'–!?'

The next moment, what seemed like a mountain of strawberries fell on his head. It sounded like thunder. Mushy, pink-red, strawberry thunder. Down, down, a ton of crimson, squashy, sticky overripe triangular fruits pounded down on him like a squall. He couldn't get up. Len felt himself drowning in strawberry juice.

'I _hate_ strawberries!' he screamed though the deafening noise.

At some point, he passed out.

* * *

 **Yes, I know, it's totally random. :3**

 **Please follow + fav + review if you liked it! ;DD**


	2. Awakening

**Meow.**

 **So, in comes Chapter Two a bit earlier than planned... I usually (fail to) update once a week but since I likely won't be around this weekend I guess I might as well upload it now...**

 **Thanks for the review! And thank you for believing in the work of my brain that even I sometimes doubt... I mean, most of the time doubt. xP Hopefully this chapter makes even less sense, haha.**

* * *

 **2\. Awakening**

He was buried neck-deep in a mountain of squashed strawberries, soaked to the skin in strawberry juice. The sweet smell was suffocating. So much for a peaceful afternoon nap at home. He was so, so tired…

How had he ended up in this literal mess?

'Princess… Princess!'

Presently, a chorus of peculiar squeaking voices was brought to his attention. With a definite sense of dread, Len slowly let his gaze move down towards the base of the mound of strawberries.

'I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming I'm dreaming… _Please_ tell me I'm still dreaming!' he wailed.

There were five _tiny_ , tiny straw-coloured mice in sailor hats blinking anxiously up at him with beady black eyes. They were roughly each the size of his smallest fingernail.

'No Princess, you aren't,' said a mouse, twitching its whiskers.

'I am _not_ a princess you bastard!' Len yelled.

Silence.

They exchanged curious looks. 'What's a bustard?' one whispered.

'Is it something like mustard?'

'Maybe custard.'

'I love custard!'

'I believe,' said one with glasses and a white beard, 'It's a bird with a profusion of plumage.' He nodded wisely.

'Ahhh.' They all nodded with closed eyes.

A sixth mice charged out from under the opposite hedge. 'I told them she's awake! They're coming!'

'What the…'

A stampede of pint-sized animals charged through the hedge after the mouse, almost trampling it along the way. There were deer, badgers, squirrels, hares, possums, quails – even an owl. They all squashed themselves into the little clearing surrounding the giant tree, which, coming to think of it now, was quite small.

'Are you alright, Princess?' asked a tiny badger anxiously.

'We found you in a mountain of strawberries.'

He scowled. 'You don't say…'

A hedgehog beamed. 'I know – she must be the Strawberry Princess!'

Len would have clobbered it if it hadn't been so spiky.

'How do you feel?' asked a plump quail.

'Terrible!' Len wailed.

'There, there… Don't cry, Princess.' A dormouse which was apparently female (it was wearing an orange apron) climbed his now almost-literal mountain of strawberries to pat his head. Len fixed it with a scowl, which it evidently ignored. 'I am _not_ about to cry,' he hissed at it.

Nonetheless he felt a big squall of tears coming soon if they didn't stop freaking him out.

Animals didn't talk. They did _not_ talk.

'Don't cry – Princess, don't cry!' they all screamed.

He glared at them murderously. They cowered at the hem of the mountain.

'How many times do I need to tell you I'm not a princess?'

'But Princess, you are…'

'Oh yeah sure,' he said sarcastically. 'I'm the damsel in distress waiting for Prince Charming to come kiss me and this is some sort of magical forest stuffed full of tiny talking animals and I'm supposed to sing to you or something.'

'Exactly, Princess!'

'She's finally got it!'

They all cheered.

They didn't get it. None of them did. They simply weren't reachable. Len decided there were more important things that had to be settled first. Let them call him whatever they thought he was for now.

'Why're you all so small, anyway?' he asked.

'We aren't small, Princess…' the badger fidgeted. 'You're big.'

'Very big,' the hedgehog added.

'In _what_ sense?' Len growled irritably.

Just then, he noticed a small pile of clothes folded neatly near the base of the strawberry mountain. They looked like… a pair of black shorts, a sailor shirt, banana underpants and a camisole. They looked like _his_ clothes. Except that they were Barbie-sized.

His eyes widened in horror. 'Oh. My. God. Ohmyfucking– ! Don't tell me I'm n…!'

He stood up. Like a vast, rose-coloured mountain lurching to its feet. The animals fled back into the cover of the surrounding hedges in alarm. And, as he stood, so did the mountain of strawberries.

'What on…?'

It wasn't a mountain of strawberries.

It was a mountain of red frills, bows and laces, clinging to his body. Or – in short, a mountainous dress like a humungous, over-decorated, Victorian red-velvet cake.

'Argh!' He collapsed into his knees with a resounding boom, wailing, face turning as red as his dress. 'This is _worse_ than naked! What's happening to me!?'

The animals watched warily from the bushes.

'Forty-calibre indeed,' he sighed heavily into his hands. 'Thank you O goddess of fangirl disasters…' He could only imagine all the horrid things they would do to him like this. He began to cry. 'How the _hell_ am I supposed to go home now!? I can't go hoooome!'

'No – no, no – Princess, don't cry!' All the animals wailed in unison.

Too late.

Huge dollops of salt water began to fall from his blue eyes, pounding huge muddy craters into the forest floor. The animals ran, screaming. _Splash_ – a kangaroo was pounded into the mud, face-first. The dormouse frantically clung onto Len's shoulder as he lurched forward, its eyes wide with terror. As he gave another lurch, the dormouse lost its balance with a terrified squeak, tumbled off his shoulder and disappeared, flying away.

The giant puddle of tears eventually turned into a pool, and then a small lake. The tiny forest clearing turned into a swamp. A rubber duck floated in from somewhere, bobbing in the salty water.

That was when the hexagonal tiles in the sky gave a shuddering ripple, and a tiny hovercraft chugged in. An even tinier parachute fell from it, floating down in front of Len's nose. He snagged it out of the air and looked at it. On the parachute were the words _Eat Me_ , and tied beneath it was a basket containing two halves of a large red fig.

'…Couldn't have been a banana instead,' he grumbled disgustedly as he popped them into his mouth. 'Curse you Rerulili…'

He immediately began to shrink. To him, it seemed as if the red dress was expanding around him. It was growing larger than it already had been. And so was the forest, and everything in it. The trees grew taller and thicker; the ground grew closer; the bushes billowed up like a storm cloud on National Geographic; and the pool of tears grew wider… and wider, until the effects of the fig finally came to a halt, leaving the bewildered shota as a tiny speck of a (rather tempting) figure standing on the bank of a vast blue lake.

He stared open-mouthed at the gigantic salt-pool. A Loch Ness monster leapt into the air and disappeared into its depths. 'This… is freaking me out. Seriously.'

'Princess! Princess!'

A squeaky yelling was presently brought to his notice.

Len squinted across the lake to see a giant dormouse in an orange apron swimming towards him.

'Wow, I never knew dormice could swim…'

'Princess – wear something!'

He gasped. '… Oh shit…'

The now-tiny and nude blonde shota ran for cover behind the voluminous folds of the red dress he had been wearing, grabbed a corner of the former sash and began to wind it around himself at full speed.

He ended up like a giant baggy strawberry with legs.

'…'

He ripped a small length of fabric off his dress and wound it around his waist, wishing it weren't so thin. It made him look like a girl. He tugged on the sash, drawing up the fabric. At least now, it looked like a dress with the curves in the right places. The fabric was rather damp from all that crying, clinging to his legs.

And then he froze.

Why was he voluntarily wearing a dress?

The next moment however, he had an even worse premonition.

There was that very _strange_ feeling about the way the wet skirt clung to his–…

'No way,' he rasped, 'No fucking _way_ …'

He couldn't help it. He ran behind a giant velvet bow, checked that no one was looking, then grabbed his truckload of skirts and felt under them in growing dread. With an oath, he bent over and ducked his head between his knees.

His face went pale, which quickly turned… well, in a way of saying, as red as a strawberry.

' _Shit_ –!'

He clutched his head and almost fainted. 'Holy mother of god…' He screamed.

A trail of rather obscene language followed, issuing out from behind the mountain of skirts.

Len's hysteric wailing brought his rescuers scrambling back through the bushes in alarm. 'Princess! What's the matter?' They were now huge.

'Are you hurt?'

'Why are you so small?'

'Is it the Snake?'

'The Snake? Where?'

'It scared the Princess! I'll beat the–'

Len's scream blotted out their rabbling. 'I'M A GIRL!' he screamed. 'Fucking hell I'm a _girl_!'

He was a girl.

He'd _turned_ into a girl.

They all stared at him, rather calmly.

'…You just noticed, Princess?'

'Hell _yes_! I am _not_ a frickin–'

'Princess! Calm down.'

'I AM NOT A PRINCESS!' he bellowed, silencing them all.

 _I am not a princess! I am not a princess!_ echoed the mountains.

They all blinked dumbly at him.

'I think she hit her head,' whispered a squirrel.

'You fed her too many nuts,' the deer whispered back.

Len narrowed his eyes. 'I can _hear_ you…' He crossed his arms. 'Leave me alone! All of you! _Shoo_!' He began to throw stones at them.

They all scattered away, finally leaving him alone to some peace and quiet.

Len fell face-first into the sea of red velvet skirts around the lake, sobbing, cursing his insane fate.

He hated figs. He hated figs even worse than he did strawberries.

###

At least, he thought, it would still be better than nothing. He went to look for his pants – and fortunately found they had floated close to the lake bank. But he seemed to have shrunk too much. The waistline was now about the size of a hula hoop.

Thus regretfully, he had to part with his original pair of underpants. He buried them under a banana tree.

* * *

 **...Okay, I just hope you're not too mad at me for screwing up Len, because it might get just a bit better later on.**

 **Did anyone get the fig – yes I know, it was random – please check Len's songs on Rerulili-san's official YouTube channel. The keyword's "explosion".**

 **Well I thought it was a fig… but now I'm not so sure. What was it, exactly? Any idea, anyone? :|**

 **Oh yeah, and not to forget, the forty-calibre thing... xP I'll just excuse myself saying I wrote that bit at three in the morning.**

 **And the usual of course, please review, thanks. ;D**


	3. The Lady of the Lake

**Meow.**

 **Hellooo shota!Len is back and please do not assume that this story is related in any way to my other fic I updated yesterday, thanks.**

 **Have fun. ;3**

* * *

 **3\. The Lady of the Lake**

Presently, Len looked up as he heard the sound of loud honking.

His first thought was of a car.

'A car?' He scrambled to his feet, looking around hopefully.

But then, it didn't sound like any car horn he had heard before. (Nor the ones he'd imitated.)

He blinked as a large golden goose waddled out of the bushes towards the lake bank. The bird was giving off beams of golden light like a hot barbecue grill. Len drowsily followed it. A golden goose brought good luck, right? He honestly needed some.

The goose waggled its beaming golden backside as it prepared to enter the water. The bushes nearby were lit up like a disco.

'Hey – Goose – wait!' Len shouted.

It peered down its beak at him rather disdainfully. _'Honk!_ '

'Wait…' He frowned. 'You can't talk?'

' _Honk!_ '

'Hey wait– Don't just swim away…!'

The goose pompously ignored him, waggled its backside at him one last time and plodded into the lake. The surface of the lake gleamed with a mystical gold sheen where the goose's feathers touched it. Len gazed at it in reluctant awe.

No, no. First he needed to catch that goose.

'Can't believe I'm fucking doing this…' he muttered.

Yanking his numerous layers of red skirts up to his waist, he waded into the lake after the goose. It was surprisingly icy, and somewhat slimy. 'Ugh…'

There had been enough material. He ought to have made himself an underwear too. Now, he sorely regretted his haste.

Well… No one was looking.

Where had all these fish come from, anyway?

Len crept up to the goose, splashing about as inconspicuously as possible, wading through schools of slippery fish. Now and then he was quite sure he collided with something like an eel. Something that felt like an octopus squidged itself on his – ah, well. That covered him sort of.

He was not a good swimmer.

The goose pretended not to notice him.

They went deeper into the lake.

Suddenly, the goose turned around, faced him head-on and trumpeted a challenge.

' _Honk!_ '

Len cringed. 'HONK!' he yowled back at it with all his might.

' _Honk!_ ' the goose trumpeted indignantly.

'Yes – _honk_!'

' _Honk!_ '

'Honk!'

' _Honk!_ '

And so the shota and the goose commenced a honk battle in the middle of the lake. Neither understood the other, so they just kept on honking.

A flock of geese passed peacefully overhead, and almost fell out of their organised arrow-head positions at the terrific racket the two were making.

They were so engaged in their honking face-off that they failed to notice a large shadow creeping up on them from down below. It appeared as a dark smudge beneath the surface of the lake, steadily growing larger until…

 _Snap!_

In one, big, spectacular explosion, the giant maws of a fish shot out of the water and engulfed the fat golden goose. Before it could so much as squawk in terror, the goose was gone, down into the depths of the salty lake.

Len stared open-mouthed. His face grew pale.

What on earth was that thing?

And here he was, stuck in the middle of a lake of what was supposed to be his tears, among schools of wiggling white fish (ugh, there was one trapped in his skirt) in a bright crimson dress, just the right size, nothing but perfect bait. Lucky the goose's backside had been so bright – it must have attracted the monster's attention first.

The place suddenly became too quiet.

Len frantically began to swim back towards the shore – a moment before he realised he couldn't swim. He'd never been able to swim. The last time he'd tried in the pool, Kaito had had to drag him out and resuscitate him mouth to–

'Agh!'

He'd suddenly stepped over a deep hole. His head plunged underwater. He couldn't breathe… he was going to drown. He was so going to –

Then he blinked in surprise.

He could breathe!

He hurriedly checked the sides of his jaws to see if he'd suddenly grown gills or the sort. Apparently not.

What was that, swimming towards him at full-speed?

Oh no, the giant tuna-fish.

To his surprise, it braked several feet away, and wagged its forked tail cheerfully. It _smiled_ at him. 'Welcome to Wonderland, Princess Len!' He stared.

'Umm, hi…' Was he meant to wave at a fish?

'How are you feeling today?'

'Downright horrible.'

'Good to know. You must now choose between the gold, silver and plain strawberry. Make your choice.'

' _What the hell_?'

'Hmm?'

'Typical…'

'I beg your pardon?'

'The normal strawberry. Please.'

'State your reason.'

' _Because I want to get rid of it_!' he bawled at the stupid tuna. 'I am fucking _sick_ of strawberries! You can't eat and digest and poop out a gold and silver strawberry – what do you suggest I do with it!?'

'Ah…' She looked surprised. 'Good reason.'

'What the hell are you?'

'A more polite question would be _who_ ,' she sniffed. 'You'd better be nice to me unless you want to be breakfast – pff. A puny shrimp like you wouldn't even make a decent appetiser!'

'Fine… who the hell are you.'

' _I_ – am the beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, lovely graceful _exquisite_ one and only English-adapted Lady of the Lake.'

'…You're a talking fish.'

' _Moi_?'

'Yes, you.'

'Can you not _see_ the beauty of my pure heart through this unfortunate appearance of mine!?' the tuna-Lady lamented.

'I doubt it…' Len muttered.

'What?'

'Uh, nothing… Anyway – where the hell am I exactly? What's happening? What's with all the strawberries? What's with me turning into a… a girl?'

The tuna-Lady sighed. 'So many questions… Can't you learn to be quiet for a blessed five minutes – you and your cursing? I'll answer them in order. One, you're in Wonderland in what used to be the south end of the Enchanted Forest until you flooded it and killed all the trees. Two, I have no idea, three I have no idea and four I have no idea but I rather think you're better off that way. Does that answer your questions?'

'No it doesn't…! Why do I have to be a girl!? That stupid fucking _fig_ –! It didn't just _shrink_ me, it turned me into a fucking _girl_! Just tell me. What do I have to eat to turn back into a boy?'

'Since when were you a boy?' the fish remarked calmly.

'You just fucking shut up and tell me w–!'

'I don't know. I don't think it was the fig, though.'

Len covered his face. 'Oh, please…'

'Look Princess, I'm not the one setting the rules here. I'm just explaining them to you.'

'Ugh…'

'You know, personally?' the fish grinned, 'I think you look better that way.'

'Oh, shut up. Shut up. This is horrible…'

'Hmm… By the way Princess, I like your underwear. It's really… _kinky_.'

'Huh? …Oh _fuck_ –!?'

Len peeled the poor bewildered octopus off himself, furiously batting it away.

'But it was nice!' the tuna-Lady protested.

'Was not! _Live_ ones are damn uncomfortable!'

The disgruntled, unhappy octopus squirted a jet of ink in their faces before swimming away like an old stringy flag.

'If you insist. So, now –'

'Wait.' Len held up a hand awkwardly. 'Do I get… Um, y'know – those _thingies_ … too?'

The tuna-Lady smiled. 'Of course you do.'

'No I mean… like, _periods_ …' he muttered, turning pink.

'Yes! Of course you do!' she beamed. Len could swear there was a hint of malice in it. He gaped in horror.

'Ugh… Whyyy!? I am _twelve_ you fucking fish-woman _I don't deserve this_!'

'So yes, I suggest… You had better find Prince Charming before the month's over. Or I think you'll probably regret it.'

'I _hate_ you…' Len moaned.

'Why are you so unhappy? You just got back your virginity again! No more of those director nightmares,' the tuna-Lady smiled gloriously.

'Oh, yeah… that's a thought–' Len blinked. '… _Wait_. How the hell do you know I did it with my –!?'

'So then, let's get down to strict business.' The tuna-Lady cut him short. 'I'll explain in brief words as I am rather short of time. First of all, you're a Princess.'

'…Fine…' Len mumbled miserably.

'Secondly, your primary goal is to rescue the Pink Princess – that's me – from the clutches of the evil Huntsman. Be careful, he's non compos.'

Len raised an eyebrow. 'But you're here.'

'This is a fish I'm communicating to you though. Can you not _see_? Are you blind or what? I'm usually a lot prettier – you can tell by my beautiful voice!'

'Okay, okay… But how? Where do I find him?'

'Hmm. Any way you like. Like you could try seducing him, or seduce him, then and again you could also try seducing him…'

'…'

'Third, your other motive is to collect as many Magical Strawberries on the way as possible. The red strawberries give you additional points. The green ones give you lives, which you'll probably need judging by your remarkable lack of athletic skills.'

'Question.'

'Yes Princess?'

'Is this a Mario game?'

'No. Four. Your express ticket back to your real world is finding Prince Charming.'

'That's more important than the Magical Strawberries!' Len gasped.

'You must – very obviously – get hold of Prince Charming before you fall into the clutches of the evil Green Queen who is highly envious of your beauty (though obviously _nothing_ compared to mine, that stupid mirror lied) and will probably very grotesquely murder you or otherwise do some other horrible things to you that you will not want to know about (I made a list by the way). If the occasion calls for it Prince Charming _may_ have to rescue you. On conditional circumstances you may also need to marry him and… yes you know what's the rest.'

'Ah… okay.' Len paused. 'Um. Up to where?'

The fish smirked. 'That's for you to decide. You can actually decide to stay if you want, you know… have one or tw–'

'You're joking, right?'

'N'awwh. They're gonna be _so_ adorable. Just imagine tiny versions of–'

' _You're joking, right?_ '

'Of course I'm not. You'd better kiss him okay? I am _so_ bringing a camera!'

'…'

Len felt rather nauseous.

'Don't worry! I'll print you a nice big copy to take home as a souvenir.'

'Uh, no thanks…' Rin would never let him rest in peace again.

'Oh – and a piece of advice, you had better stay away from the White Queen if you want to avoid being permanently traumatised for the rest of your life. And… yes, that's about it. Any questions?'

'Question.' Len raised his hand. 'How many insane queens and princesses are there in total? How big is this place? Are there any upgrades and special weapons (against insane queens and princesses) available?'

'No idea.'

' _Right_ … One more question.'

'Hmm?'

'Why is there a tuna in a lake? (You're a tuna, right?) Why is there a Loch Ness monster? Why're there so many fish?'

'Yes I'm a tuna. It's a saltwater lake. I thought that was obvious. And that's four questions.'

'Ah.'

'Anymore questions? No? Okay, then we're done – off you go – cheerios!'

'Hey wait –!'

Len rocketed out of the water like a jet-propelled boat, soared through the air and landed face-first on the bank with a strangled cry.

'Damn you Lady…' he growled, rubbing his stinging forehead with a wince.

 _Plop_.

Something fell on the ground after him.

Len glanced beside him to find an ordinary, innocent-looking, slightly wet strawberry.

'Alright…' he growled, 'This is the last strawberry I'm eating for the next ten years you crazy woman, I tell you.' He shoved it in his mouth and swallowed.

He almost immediately began to feel drowsy.

'Fucking w…'

The scowling shota slowly sank down on his side; his eyelids dropped like stones, and he was soon fast asleep.

A rubber duck sailed peacefully across the surface of the lake.

* * *

 **A/N: I noticed a loose end and updated the previous chapter. Please turn back and check the last bit to find out what became of Len's adorable banana underpants. :}**

 **As for the car horn imitations the reference is to Owata-P's song Nitrobenzene.**

 **Please reveiww! :D**


	4. The Strawberry-Selling Girl

**Quack quack.**

 **Speaking of random… Don't you think it's weird that our keyboards are called the QWERTY when Q is the least-used alphabet on the keyboard?**

 **Thanks for the thumbs-up reviews by the way, can't tell you how heartening they are when you're publishing something that's nothing but purely the work of your insane brain you never trust for judgement… For the record though (thanks again,** ** _HappyWaifuHappyLaifu_** **and welcome to FF net), it IS Magical Kitty Len-Len (otherwise known as Nuko Len-Len). :3**

* * *

 **4\. The Strawberry-Selling Girl**

Len dreamt of rubber ducks falling from the sky. Huge fat ones, like flaming meteors. The whole sky was an angry red-black. Thunder boomed and lightning crashed. Dinosaurs of all kinds fled this way and that in terror as the earth bucked, quaked and split beneath their feet like a living thing finally waking up from its billion years of hibernation.

One huge, colossal strawberry appeared in the sky, hideous red and blistery, slowly rotating as it came falling above the heads of the puny reptiles like a dictum of doom.

'Hey – kid. Kid! Wake up.'

He woke up to someone lightly slapping his face. He blinked confusedly into a pair of blue eyes that looked exactly like his.

'I think… I just had a prophetic dream…' he mumbled blankly at the familiar eyes, 'Giant strawberries are going to fall from the sky and destroy Triassic Planet Earth. They are currently orbiting the Sun in the proximity of Jupiter…'

'Kid! Y'alright? Wake up! Bet you've been eatin' too many strawberries.' The person gave him a tight slap.

Len's drowsy eyes widened. 'R… _Rin_ …?'

The person did a double-take. 'Holy shit. How the hell'd you know my name?'

'What's going on…' he croaked, rubbing his eyes.

'Don't tell me you're psychic or somethin'.' Rin studied him from various angles, and rapped a knuckle against his skull.

'Ow.'

' _How_. The hell do you know my name, kid?'

Rin's trademark hair-ribbon was missing. Her blonde hair was shaggy and wild, framing her face like a mane; she wore a rather un-ladylike crooked scowl on her face; and was wearing a dirty pair of shorts, a loose sackcloth shirt and a pair of wooden clogs. A few strands of straw were sticking out of her side pocket, and she reeked of freshly-picked oranges.

'What the hell happened to you?' Len asked dazedly.

'No. The question is, what the hell happened to _you_?'

'What do you mean? …Where the hell am I, anyway?'

'You're on the ground.'

'Wow. I just noticed.'

'No, serious – I thought you were dead or somethin'. You're in the market square – where else?'

'What market square?'

'The market square. It's called the Market Square. The Royal Fort Town Market Square in Constantinopolis.'

' _Where_?'

'Oh – the King named the capital after his pink rabbit plushie.'

'…?'

'He's five.'

'Ah.'

He seemed to be sitting up against a stone wall in a corner of a somewhat dirty street. The smell of horse-dung filled his nose. There were rickety wooden stalls set up with heaps of vegetables, lining the walls of the Square. Crowds of people bustled around, ranting coarsely, carrying sacks, bags and wheeling dusty wheelbarrows. Occasional horse-drawn carts rattled by. The horses' iron-shod hooves clopped loudly on the pastel grey cobblestone.

The Market Square was on top of a hill. When he looked over the wall, Len could see vast acres of yellow-green farmland spreading out into the horizon some ways below, dotted with typical red-roofed cottages and cows. The sky was as blue as the Windows wallpaper. On the opposite side up on the peak of the hill stood a stout white Disney-style castle with princess-blue pinnacles. The pearly walls were gleaming and spotless. Len assumed that was where Prince Charming lived.

It seemed that his choice of the plain strawberry over the gold and silver ones had brought him some good fortune after all. It seemed that he would be going home quite soon.

'Come on, kid. You'd better get up or your strawberries are gonna wilt soon.'

'Strawberries?'

'These.' Rin thrust a huge basket full of strawberries in his face. 'They're yours, aren't they?'

Len blinked dumbly at it.

'Come on, kid – get up.'

Rin – who was somehow not Rin – tried to prop Len to his feet, somewhat failing. He flopped back down on his bum.

His gaze slowly travelled up her figure, slowly taking in the details. There was something – _something_ he couldn't name – wrong about her.

Then he realised it.

'Wait… You're not a girl?'

'Of course I'm not! Damn… You must'a hit your head real hard. How the hell do I look like a girl?'

Len clutched his head. 'What the hell…'

He hadn't noticed at first – since she was flat-chested anyway. The male version of Rin looked remarkably unchanged, aside from his wild hairstyle.

'Aw, come on. Don't tell me you were havin' a girl-crush on me or somethin'.'

'What's with the accent? It's freaking me out…'

' _You_ , Miss –' Rin jabbed a finger towards his chest, 'have _no right_ to go pickin' on anybody's accents just because you think yours is motherfuckin' perfect.'

'Wow, even your language got worse…' Len muttered privately.

'Wow…' Rin was peering into his face again, less than an inch from his nose. He cringed. 'You're real pretty, y'know. I really like your dress – it's damn cute.'

'Th-thanks…'

'N'awwh!' Rin glomped him. 'You look like a little doll!'

Things were getting very weird indeed.

Len realised he was wearing a frilled red bonnet. He had somehow changed into an airy strawberry-coloured smock. It was spread out on the cobblestone ground, flashing whatever was under it to the general public passing by. Len's face turned red. He hastily tucked his knees in.

Somehow it seemed, he'd also acquired a decent pair of white panties. The front section was printed with tiny pink octopi.

Rin crossed his arms, eyes glittering with good-natured enthusiasm. 'So. Where'd you come from, kid? Haven't seen you in the market before.'

'I… um, went through a series of _very_ unfortunate events…'

'What? You got raped or somethin'?'

Len blinked. 'Uhh… no. Well – not yet, anyway.'

'Oh good. You scared me. I thought I was gonna have to deal with a knocked-up girl or somethin'.'

'…Indeed.'

'Come on then.' Rin propped him onto his feet. He actually had fairly lean _biceps_ , a little tanned from years of rampaging outdoors, which Len found very disorienting. He himself on the other hand had acquired even more curves than he had had originally.

He almost fainted again.

Rin swatted the dust off his bum. 'How old are you?'

'Twelve.'

'Hey! I'm twelve too!' Rin grinned. 'We could be friends. Whadda you say?'

'Uh, yeah, sure.'

Rin whooped. 'Hell yeah, baby! I have a new girlfriend!'

'Haha…'

If only he knew.

'HEYY ANYONE!' Rin hollered into the street, waving his arm high in the air, 'Wanta buy strawberries from this cute hottie over here? Best strawberries in town, guaranteed!'

Len blushed delicately.

Although – why on earth was he selling strawberries here in the first place?

That, he didn't know.

'Oh, yeah… What's your name, by the way?'

'Len.'

'Damn! I used to have a sister called Len!' Rin whistled.

'Wh- what happened to her?'

'She died.'

'Oh.'

'Bah. Don't look so sad – I hardly even _miss_ that bitch.'

'…Oh.'

However, Rin looked a little sad.

The afternoon sun was searing without the shade of trees. Len felt beads of sweat bubble up on the back of his neck and under his skirt. The sweltering street was so hot and uncomfortable that it made him begin to doubt if this world wasn't actually reality.

'Pff… Since when were panties so fucking _uncomfortable_?'

He stifled his urge to pinch them back into their correct place. He glanced at Rin, who was still cheerfully advertising his strawberries to passers-by, and wondered if this was what his sister had to endure everyday back in his real world.

No wonder she liked to stay out of them, despite his frantic pleas and traumas of going downstairs to the kitchen in the middle of the night to the sight of her without them, gulping down orange juice from the carton like she hadn't a care.

After a while, even the male version of Rin seemed to finally run out of enthusiasm and trotted back to the corner Len was sitting in, swinging the now two-thirds empty basket. He picked a choice strawberry and held it out to Len.

'Want some?'

'No thanks…' To be honest, he was sick of strawberries.

'Aww come on, I know you do.' Rin waved the fruit enticingly in front of his nose. 'Open up, girl.'

Len scowled, but consented for the sake of friendship. Rin pushed the strawberry into his mouth. He bit off the tip.

'There you go, your highness,' Rin laughed, dabbing the strawberry juice off Len's mouth like minding a princess, and then heartily chomped on the remainder of the fruit himself.

Len watched him glumly. The last time they had eaten like this must have been more than four years ago, before Rin started making fun of him and terrorising him and calling him a shota.

Maybe this version of his sister wasn't so bad after all, once he got used to it.

'Come on Len, let's go in the shade.'

'What the –!?'

Rin casually swept him off his feet, bridal-style, and looked around the street for a nice shady spot.

'Right…' he muttered.

If his sister back in his real world could do it, it was no surprise why this Rin couldn't.

'So… Where d'you wanna sit?'

'Put me down…'

'How 'bout there?' Rin pointed to a chestnut tree.

'Yeah, why not. Just put me down!' He frantically tried to plaster his upended skirt down. A lot of people (none too female) were gawking.

Rin set him down on a low brick wall, and Len retreated under his red bonnet in mortification, face just as red. He was feeling utterly like a girl.

'By the way, kid… That about you bein' my girlfriend just now – that was a joke, okay? I already have a girl.'

'Oh… okay.'

'Uh.' Rin looked uncomfortable. 'You're not… upset, are you? Sorry. I didn't mean it, really…'

Len laughed. 'Of course not.'

'We're just friends, okay? You can be my best friend – I'll help you sell your strawberries again, yeah?'

'Yup. Friends.' Len felt himself break into a grin naturally.

'What's her name, though? Your girl,' he asked.

'Her name's Olivia. Well y'know, she's not actually _my_ girl, she's just this girl who always passes by the barn. She's like a real angel. A really hot one. I think she's a rich girl 'cause she's always wearin' these damn expensive-lookin' dresses and all but – don't get me wrong, she's really nice. We talked a few times, and, y'know… you wouldn't think she's a rich girl at all…'

'Oh, wow…' Fancy telling Oliver when he got back home. 'Like Romeo and Juliet, huh?'

'What?'

'Y'know – Olivia Hussey.'

'Who?'

'…Never mind.'

Rin looked at him again. 'Oh yeah, kid – by the way – d'you have a place to stay?'

'Uh, no.' He really had no idea where he was.

'Damn! That must be really hard… You can come over if you want. We have some spare floor.'

Len nodded. 'Yeah! Thanks.'

'Wait till Ma sees you,' Rin grinned. 'She's gonna be at you _all damn evening_.'

He paled. 'As in…?'

'Hah! Can't wait,' Rin cackled.

Len however was staring at Rin with a very peculiar expression now. '…You have a _Ma_?'

'The hell d'you mean?' Rin stared at him funny. 'Of course I do. I didn't just pop outta thin air, did I?'

'…Oh.'

###

Len was staring out into the late-afternoon street, squatting beside Rin, quite content, when he noticed a certain dangerous-looking figure standing in the shadows watching him. He started.

He watched warily as slowly, the man in the black cloak ghosted his way closer from across the square, stepping deliberately over the cobblestones. He was making a beeline towards the corner Len was sitting in. He drew out something long and silver from the folds of his garb.

He was carrying a knife.

Rin had noticed the man too, it seemed. His face had tensed. 'Kid – run.'

Len's eyes widened. 'But –'

'Eh… Hold your pants, I'll be fine.'

'Rin…'

'Just run!'

Just then, a posh horse-drawn carriage parked itself right in front of them. Two of the most hideous ladies in pouf dresses Len had ever seen stomped out, leaving the door wide open as they alighted to appraise a collection of lace fans on sale. Rin saw his chance and quickly shoved Len towards the open door. Len reluctantly clambered in, crouched, and waited, heart pounding. The ladies returned, and the carriage lurched forward.

They did not notice him until one of them stepped on him.

The young woman gave a little shriek.

'Who is that, Akane?' a grey-haired woman in a drab lilac dress asked.

'Oh – she's… um, the new maid.'

'Well, well… So you've finally found a worthy replacement.' The grey woman peered down her proud hawk nose at Len, round glasses icy. He shrank under her flinty stare. 'She had better be good this time.'

As the carriage lurched forward, Len desperately plastered his face against the window, trying to see if Rin was alright.

Ah – he was still there.

But the carriage soon turned a sharp bend, and both Rin and the cloaked man vanished out of his sight.

* * *

 **Sorry, I really mean no offence to Aoi and Akane fans. I don't hold any particular grudges against them – it's just the story that's this way. orz**

 **Also, thanks** ** _Ashe Corinthos_** **, I wasn't expecting that feedback so I was pretty thrilled! I really I hope you won't hate me for turning this into a Len/Kaito… :|**

 **Thank you to _KagamineGekokujou_ too (love your username btw), but please don't count on me, I personally don't often swear that much so I'm quite a novice on that side.**

 **As to the King's pink rabbit plushie – please refer to Arsmagna's official YouTube channel for specification. (No, the king isn't necessarily Tatsuki btw, though that would be really cute.)**

 **This chapter turned out a bit longer than planned, but please review and tell me what you think~ (Also if there's anything specific you want Len to wear... y'know. *hint, hint*) ;3**


	5. Of Cats, Doormen and Fairy Godmothers

**Meow.**

 **I am VERY sorry for the sudden big delay. Just so you know, I haven't abandoned this fic. The case is simply that school restarted and just finished a while ago and now I have one term left to cram everything into my head before a main exam… and here I am writing about a shota in octopus-print panties, hehe. (You can understand why I can't submit half my English essays.)**

 **THANK YOU for the heartfelt support… and hopefully you haven't forgotten about this fic yet… TT And the costume suggestion by the way. It's damned purrfect.**

 **Loads more of Vocaloid and Utaite otaku-stuff coming up… See how many you can spot. (Okay, some of them are obvious but still.) ;3**

 **Please ignore the history screw-ups and stuff. I was always a troll concerning History classes.**

 **And by the way, sorry about the gender changes. I'm aware some of the characters coming out in this chapter aren't what I specified them as, but please bear with it.**

 **And… yeah. This chapter's kind of a failure, sorry. It's too long – and it's boring – and it's too long. x_x UGH.**

 **I'll promise to try to improve on the materials next time …**

* * *

 **5\. Of Cats, Doormen and Fairy Godmothers**

'Cinderella! _Cinderella_!' a voice shrieked from upstairs.

Len glowered up at the ceiling with a scowl. 'Fuck you…'

Unsurprisingly, there were fat, half-naked Renaissance ladies painted all over the arced ceiling.

Their previous maid had apparently been named Cinderella before she eloped with a manservant in the night, so as the new maid, it made _perfect_ sense that Len was also called that. (As Cook had told him, the previous maids, all eleven of them, had been called Cinderella.)

And Cinderella the First, also according to Cook, had been a noble-bred relative of the current Mistress of the House thirty years ago. Her body was still in the basement cellar.

The sun had already set.

Len got up from scrubbing the antique hearth, dusted his knees, and made his way up the marble stairs towards the voice, still scowling. He felt like kicking the absurdly out-of-place fire extinguisher at the foot of the banister.

As he passed a window, he caught his own repulsive reflection in the stained glass.

He scowled at the rainbow-coloured knights crowding up the stained glass. 'What're you looking at?'

He couldn't believe himself. He was voluntarily wearing an explosively short red and white maid-costume, complete with laced booties. He looked like a super-frilly version of a girl from Love Live. To be honest, he'd rather have worn rags.

' _Cinderella!_ ' the voice screeched from upstairs again.

His skirt bounced, thighs flashing as he hurried up the stairs. (Hopefully no one was downstairs.)

He knocked on the heavy wooden door of the bedroom and entered. 'You called, Lady Aoi?' He bobbed a curtsy to Lady Grey –said current Mistress of the House, whose hair was as grey as her name – who was also present in the room.

'How long does it take you to climb the stairs, you lazy wench – half a century?'

He graced the girl who had summoned him with a brilliant scowl.

The rules were, no swearing. He couldn't risk getting fired. It was getting on his nerves.

'Where is the lace fan I bought last week, Cinderella?'

 _How should I know? You squashed it under your fat butt,_ Len muttered under his breath. 'I'll look for it, Lady Aoi.'

'You certainly shall _not_. You're supposed to know where it is!'

He nearly threw a bootie at her.

It had been almost a week since his new friend Rin had shoved him into the carriage that brought him to this mansion. Since then, he had been subjected to a lot of nasty housework and a complete ban off swearing.

The good news was that there was to be a Grand Ball in the Royal Palace the next day, and Prince Charming who was visiting from the neighbouring kingdom was also rumoured to be attending that ball. According to the story, Cinderella was supposed to make it to the ball and successfully bag a Prince Charming to take home, and therefore he had decided it would perhaps be a good idea to stay quiet and stay Cinderella for the meantime.

Although he was worried about Rin, he decided he would deal with that situation once he became a Princess. (A double-Princess? Was he still one, or was he now just a maid?)

'You useless maid! Go look for it this _instant_!'

'Yes you f–'

At that moment the door crashed open as Akane thundered in. 'Aoi! Mother! You _have_ to hear this!'

'Get on with it, Cinderella. This has nothing to do with you.'

Len curtsied and attempted to sidestep Akane. He wasn't interested in hearing another fangirl outburst about how hot Prince Charming was; his hopes of reaching home were growing rather distant.

'What's the matter, Akane?'

'The Duke of Asmodean is also to be present at the Royal Ball!'

Len stopped mid-stride. 'The Duke of…?'

'Good gracious… Do you mean – _Duke Venomania_!?' Aoi squealed.

'I hear he's _quite_ a ladies' man,' Lady Grey observed sleekly.

Quite indeed.

Len gulped. He quietly resolved to go straight to Prince Charming as soon as he got there. If they meant _that_ Duke Venomania – the real one – now that he really was a girl, he wasn't quite immune to that stuff.

'Oh, that reminds me Cinderella, have you given dear Kuro-chan his supper?' Lady Grey cut in smoothly.

 _That fricking insane cat?_ 'No Ma'am, I haven't.'

'The poor dear! He must be starving by now!'

'I– I'll see to it, Ma'am.'

'You most certainly will!'

 _Yes you hideous hag._

Blowing a silent raspberry behind the old woman's back, Len backed out of the hideously decorated bedroom. Renaissance angels joyously strummed their harps in the ceiling, reflecting his foul mood, accompanied by a faint sense of nausea.

'Alright…' He trimly drew his lacy cuffs out of the way, and set about the disgusting, squashy task of mixing the cat-food. They apparently had no convenient luxuries such as mothballs and poison pellets.

Then he fetched a long broomstick from the pantry.

The dining room looked a little empty and sad. According to Cook (who had acquired a disturbing fetish for including Len in her recent recipes), there had once been a great chandelier to light the space, but had at some point fallen _crash_ on the dining table one night and since then had been put away. Len suspected it was the cat.

'K… Kuro-chan?' he called, sticking out the trembling broom like a rapier.

Immediately, the sound of thundering paws came issuing from up in the ceiling, sending dust and bits of plaster falling from the wooden boards. The banging grew louder and louder. Len looked wildly this way and that, eyes scouring for every hole in the walls, ceiling, floor. Even the fireplace.

'I'm ready for you this time, you hell-cat!'

It was coming closer.

The banging suddenly stopped around the plump, happy backside of a winged Renaissance baby.

Still silence.

Then the tom came shooting out from the empty chandelier socket, and Len screamed as the hissing, spitting nightmare came diving claws-first onto his head. A dusty rubber duck came falling out of the hole with the cat.

' _Argh_! No you fucking – you mad cat – ow! – no _don't_ – get outta my skirt!' he yowled. 'What the – ow – stop that – you – aaagh!'

Saint Gabriel watched peacefully from the ceiling as the shota did something of a cross between a gig and a failed tap dance in the middle of the dining room, scrabbling in his skirts for the cat which was apparently trying to claw, wriggle and squash its way through his starched layers of Edwardian underwear.

Then and again, it might have had some ballet components. (Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker, perhaps.)

'R-raape! Someone help! Cat with rabies!'

Len had never completed a triple pirouette in his life before.

He trod on the rubber duck. With a howl he slipped – fell on his butt with a _smack_ on top of the cat – the cat screeched - and the rubber duck went flying out of the window.

Finally – panting, red-faced, and bleeding from several scratches and bites, Len pulled out the vicious, caterwauling feline from under his butt, grabbing him by the scruff. He was a rather peculiar specimen; unusually large; matted, untidy black fur covered in age-old battle scars (or scars from doing _what_ , he didn't care to know); and three circular metal piercings on one flea-bitten ear.

Once gotten hold of, he was surprisingly tame. He stared at Len with huge, imploring amber eyes.

'I don't know _why_ that old hag doesn't stuff you in a cannon and… Hey – don't you dare give me those freaking – I said – ugh… Okay, okay… alright.'

He had an unfortunate soft-spot for cats.

'…Your _supper_ is ready, monsieur.'

The tom licked his fangs, with a sadistic grin that gave Len a vague inkling that _he_ was going to be that supper.

'No more surprise attacks?'

The cat grinned.

He warily put the cat down on his paws, and went to the balcony.

With a _wrrrrrr_ like a jet-plane that sounded suspiciously like _Rrennn_ somehow, the tom trotted after him, eyes sparkling with malice.

Len sincerely prayed this would be the closest encounter he would have with any black cat for the next ten years, two-legged or four. He led the monster cat out to the balcony, where he had left the smelly cat-food. Kuro-chan pulled his nastiest cat-face at the unappetising sight.

The Doorman with the curly black beard was standing under the balcony. (He was also the Footman, just for the sake of detail, and had large front teeth.)

'Ahh, what a beautiful stage Fate haz set beneath ze full moon for you and me! Ze sky filled with stars is dim in the presence of your – ahh, what should I say – _glory_ , Senorita.' (In courtesy of his innocence.)

Len's first thought on encounter with the dramatist had been, _Oh fuck, he's gay._

Then he remembered he was a girl.

Well, it wasn't an insult. Shakespeare was rumoured to be gay, and he was much loved by the hundreds of millions of cussing, nonplussed undergraduates all over the world every year.

Lucky doormen couldn't climb up balconies.

Still, things were quite peaceful. After all, he only had to bear one more day of all this tomorrow, and then he would be gone from this place for good.

'Cinderella, ze Mistress of the House reminded me to tell you zat –'

'Please –' he snapped, 'Deal with it. I am totally _sapped_.'

The Doorman executed an over-flourished bow. 'For you Senorita, I would –'

Ignoring the rest of the passionate declaration, worn out, bewildered and rather battered, Len stumbled his way down to his temporary bedroom in the basement cellar. He was finding being a female a fairly stressful affair (not to mention the sheer volume of underwears).

'Hey lady, don't look at me like that,' he snapped at the shrivelled skeleton on the rack. 'I just need to use it _temporarily_. You've been using it for the past bloody three decades so bear with it.'

He had of course, no intention of _sharing_ it with her.

He climbed into the coffin and closed the lid, leaving a small space for air, and went to sleep.

The Royal Ball was tomorrow evening. He had waited this long – he wasn't about to screw up his chance.

'Nothing could go wrong, right?' he mumbled at the coffin lid.

All of a sudden, he felt rather homesick.

###

At around four in the morning, four black paws soundlessly padded into the dusty basement cellar.

A large black feline emerged from the darkness like a wraith, slipped into the coffin through the breathing hole left open in the top, grinned evilly, and slowly closed the lid.

Soon afterwards, a series of muffled screams were heard from the basement.

On the branch of a pear tree in the garden, a partridge ruffled its sleep-mussed feathers in annoyance at the horrible noises issuing from the drainage pipe (which led from the basement). Then all was silent, and the partridge went back to sleep once more, crooning softly.

It did not notice a stealthy black shadow prowl its way out of the drainage pipe sometime later, watching its plump silhouette with glowing amber eyes.

###

Len woke up the next morning to find a half-digested partridge and a profusion of brown plumage scattered all over his chest, and almost decided he had been murdered. It fairly stank.

He cleaned up, got dressed in his mountain of red maid frills – armed with candy-striped stockings this time – and laced his booties. Then he woke Lady Grey and the two ugly sisters, who looked like Nanny McPhee on her worst day, and then fed Kuro-chan. The tom didn't seem to be that hungry. Assuming the half-minced horror had probably been Kuro-chan's idea of _sharing_ , Len returned the dead bird to the tom. 'No thanks, you can have it.'

The cat glowered at him with hellish amber eyes.

'What?'

The cat growled.

'You mean you want me to fucking _eat_ this?'

Kuro-chan grinned. (Or rather, leered.)

'Oh, _come on_!'

 _Wrrrrr._

'…You're joking right?'

Half an hour later, he was nibbling off a roasted wishbone, covered in deep scratches, watched closely by the black nightmare sitting smugly on the table in front of him. He was under the impression he had just gone through some very intense episode of a feline version of BDSM, and not feeling any better about it.

'Mmmm… delicious,' Len reassured it, trying somewhat not to vomit.

The feline licked its claws complacently.

Either the tom was planning to eat him later, or it wanted healthy kittens, Len decided.

###

It was just the way of the wise, ancient world that decreed all shotas ought to arrive at misfortune.

The Doorman was just about taking out his tools when a familiar shrill scream from the backyard sent them both running downstairs.

'What's the matter this time, Lady Aoi?'

'W-w-what… what _is_ that thing!?' she pointed a shaking finger at the great sloppy Thing, draped halfway down the tin mailbox.

They both stared.

It was circular, flat and silver, and roughly the size of the Round Table of Camelot. A long and immensely slimy dorsal fin could be discerned; one huge, murky, dead eye stared dumbly up at the sky. It looked like something that had come falling from outer space.

'It's…' Len announced finally, 'A sunfish.'

'What's it doing here?' Aoi demanded squeakily.

'I've no idea.'

They all stared at it in disgust.

'It iz… _dead_ ,' remarked the Doorman.

'Agreed.'

It looked remarkably dead.

'Well, get rid of it – don't leave it lying there, it's hideous!' Aoi stomped off with a last terrified glance at the dead sunfish.

'Y- Yes Lady Aoi…'

Len and the Doorman exchanged a look.

How on earth were they going to get rid of that thing?

'I… I will get ze dustpan,' said the Doorman shakily, scurrying off.

Len was left with the dead fish.

He felt exhausted already. Were giant fish falling from the sky in addition to strawberries and maniacs now?

'What's next?' he muttered. 'Dandy fire extinguishers?'

The sunfish glowered at him with its huge grey puckered lips and cross-eyed antic, seeming to somehow blame him for its death and disposal in the backyard.

'Stop that before I feed you to the cat! It's freaking me out,' Len snapped.

It far from apologised.

Since they couldn't think of anything else, they decided to chop up the hideous monster fish to see if the monster cat would eat it.

Kuro-chan took one look at his dinner, was very clearly offended and stalked off in the opposite direction, bushed-up tail waving angrily in the air.

Somehow, aside from the fish, the rest went okay.

###

It was well into the evening.

The Ugly Sisters had left, and Len had somehow managed to get himself locked up in the dark, dusty, cobwebby basement in his underwear. The house was deserted. Now all that was left to do was to call his Fairy Godmother.

Would she really come?

If she didn't, he was probably going to end up marrying the Doorman or something. He would rather stay here with Cinderella, Len thought glumly. The coffin wasn't as uncomfortable as it looked, though they'd have to share it then.

Did he even have a Fairy Godmother?

'Alright… Let's find out,' he huffed.

He took a deep breath, pitching his voice an octave higher. 'Fairy Godmother – oh Fairy Godmother! Please come to me, I need your help.' Then he waited…

And waited.

…Nothing came.

He felt like an idiot.

'Fairy Godmother!' he wailed. 'Help me _please_!'

Still no fairy godmother. He began to panic.

' _Fairy Godmother_!

'… You bloody useless old–… FAIRY GODMOTHER!

'… Oh _come on_! For god's sake get your fucking fat ass down here…!

'… Fucking mother of – What, do I have to cast a magic spell or something?

'...Seriously!?

'… _Abracadabra!_ The Queen of Brioches' got bats in her bra!

'… Just _appear_ will you!?

'… I don't have the fucking whole _day_ to wait you old hag! Just fucking _teleport_ me with a bloody _twirrrl_ of your pretty little wand to that fucking ball – and I'll be good and gone from this _fucked-up_ world!' he screamed at the dusty ceiling. 'I am tired _sick_ of scrubbing the royal chamber pot! I don't _want_ any more shit and stinking _excrements_!'

'My… What awful language,' said an icy voice behind him.

He spun around to see a haughty-looking young woman in a rather revealing green dress, peering at him with a thin arched eyebrow, arms crossed. Her pale green hair was tied down from two sides of her head, and was long enough to reach the back of her knees. She was holding a large, glowing, half-eaten leek in one hand, and in the other, a long rope.

Bound to the other end of the rope, to his shock, was Rin.

* * *

 **I'm afraid this was really dull… orz Really sorry but I'm not sure what I wrote. o_o;**

 **Kuro-chan's cat-antics are inspired by Diana Wynne Jones' eternal sweetheart Throgmorten. Not nearly equal, but tried at least.**

 **Just one question if anyone can please answer this – WHY does the most popular song from Len among utai-tes seem to be "** ** _Seisou Bakuretsu Boy_** **"? That's like, one of the few songs he's so extremely a jerk in (a hot one at that).**

 **There's been an abundance of red dresses so I think I'll opt for another colour next time… (Sorry, I have a definite one in mind for the next chapter, but please add more suggestions for the following chapters! ;D) …Uh, I mean, (cough) with the exception of something like bikinis, thanks.**

 **PLEASE review and tell me if this chapter was up to the standards... x(**


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